Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
