the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
