I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
