Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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