Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
