does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
