I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
