I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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