Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
