Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
