Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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