Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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