A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize