Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
