I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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