Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
