apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
