Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
