It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
