just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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