So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
