my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
