walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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