I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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