I just made out with a guy for $7.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
