Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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