my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he puts the penis in happiness.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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