3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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