I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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