I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.