just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.