can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.