I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
