Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
