you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
tell me about the eggs
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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