If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
