I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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