shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Pants are for mortals
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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