When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
