I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
