life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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