He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
