No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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