I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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