apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
