she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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