Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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