i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
