look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
