im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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