then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
