that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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