So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
