i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
