you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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