3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
